Worse is when yours is smitten roughly, and concealing the fact feels inconsiderate. I had casual correspondence with Raj Vasher regarding the best music websites, and it somehow led to me confessing real affection after a glorious evening the day before. I was intensely lovelorn, thoughts jumbled sharply, and I professed feelings that had been foreign to me. He has seen it all.
Raj instantly responded with:
“This is maybe the most important email you've sent me in a while. Actually, not the most important... but the most heartfelt. I'm really excited to hear that you like-like a girl. It's been a long time since Brooke and the Unmentionable. And random hook ups were always designed to lead you into the arms of a quality girl. I trust Amaury with my life, so if he says that she's qualified... then she is qualified. And even if this thing doesn't last, it's good to have a steady girl for a while to smash preconceptions about you.”
If you have women all over you, you’re immediately labeled as a womanizer, even if you don’t act on the impulses. If you write a book about “The Art of Bashing,” you’re immediately scrutinized for what the text represents and how it applies to your mentality.
It isn’t too difficult to build a bit of a reputation, be it good or bad, maybe neither. Sometimes you can inadvertently overexpose yourself, becoming effortless prey for hungry wolves. All you can do is prove that the common thought is wrong, that is, if they’re willing to trust you. Overarching confidence can shroud significance.
Through the trials, you end up wanting the best more, as though being a glutton for punishment may change the situation in your favor. It usually doesn’t. Either they want you or not. The Seek always gets hurt by the Sought.
Through initial frustration I pondered viable remedies within reach, the trollops a phone call away that would comply in healing my torn heart. But I couldn’t make any call, they were meaningless, and I knew it would never solve the way I felt.
Sometimes it’s safer to check your true feelings at the door, but I’m sick of doing that. It’s a rarity to feel discarded hastily, but it's a risk worth taking. I’d rather go to Busby’s than feel this way. Reforming yourself is clear when motivated by something greater than you.
Nothing feels absolute, a testament to turbulent confusion coupled with an apprehension reaching dangerous levels barely touched before. I never question myself, but now I have no choice. Feeling trapped is sickening.