Scorched Earth Theory

Sadly, I lost my bid for President of the United States. Also, my beloved Oakland Raiders are failing miserably as a team and an organization.

Thankfully, I remain in good spirits with a sharpened shank, ready to bury it in dimwits who cross the line with naively crafted insults. Above all, I still manage to throw around the occasional joke, yet at this point all the laughter seems merciful. Roxie tells me I need to relax.

But how can I relax, knowing that our country is on an unpredictable path that leads to... what exactly? To cheer me up, Roxie recently trimmed my mop of hair, and she definitely would’ve made me look great when meeting foreign dignitaries. Still stuck in the groove of campaigning, I met with Ronda, who would’ve been my nominee for Secretary of the Treasury. A graduate of Northwestern, she has studied the intricacies of our fragile economy, recently telling soon to retire Tom Florence of Jasper, Indiana, “If you’re going to cash in your 401K, I suggest investing in cigarettes and alcohol.”

Of course, she probably wouldn’t have made it through the confirmation process, especially since this particular photo leaked to the mass media three weeks ago:

Most people could never excuse such an action, clinging to a belief system outdated by modern standards. Some people are just batty. During the final stretch of my campaign, I horrifically faced a brush with death I wish on no one. While campaigning in Holmby Hills, an irate banshee began hurling barbs with bitterness, a reaction worthy of an extended stay at the local rubber room. I escaped with my life, as did Scarlett O’Connell, and my trail of fire left from exhaust led to heavenly results. My First Lady recovered well from the ensuing drama.

Sebastian Santiago, who would’ve been my nominee for Secretary of the Interior, suggested that all voters should be required to write in the name of who they want for president. If a person can’t write legibly or at all, then how can you say they have "keen faculties or sound mind?"

A scraggly monkey can fill in a circle. I was noticeably brokenhearted by the outcome of the election, so he supportively reminded me of all the meaningful endorsements I received during the tough campaign. Nobody will ever forget when I gained the endorsement of the National Gothic Movement.

They are a joyous people, and they were very optimistic about their future under my administration. With all these swirling thoughts racing, I was forced to have a few from Lucca at Del’s Saloon.

Her good humor was encouraging. To wind down from the heavy campaigning, I met who would’ve been my Chief of Staff, the ultimate pop-off Ridge Thorneway. He maintains that never straying from objectivity is part of being a Basher. I told Ridge that the tanking economy makes it hard to remain objective. He empathized with that observation, then stated bluntly, “These hard times lead to heavy drinking.”

That night it did. Ridge later warned that you should never make fun of a drunken bar patron, the even one whose earlier judgment wavered on recklessness crossed with self-destructive blather. Now, as a has-been presidential candidate, I’m stuck making fun of passed out bar patrons at Del’s.

Voodoo Pharmacology

Once again, in the interest of full disclosure, before my smug and arrogant opponents claim credit for introducing a scandal where there is none, my presidential campaign committee has agreed to release the only photo of me smoking crack.

My critics no longer have an October surprise; they can go no further with their misguided slander and aimless swings at assassinating my character. Regardless of their banally motivated intentions, I’ve already taken the measurements of the Oval Office, so I plan on going with gold trim red velvet curtains.

Last week I walked the streets of Santa Monica with my personal hair stylist Roxie, and we went around asking concerned citizens about the important issues effecting their every day lives. There are many prevalent issues gaining attention nationally, and I think we all agree that reducing gang violence across the country is fundamental in achieving solidarity.

Roxie and I also traversed the rural areas of America, and the excitement this campaign has captured is simply unmistakable. I was especially encouraged by our recent camp out in Lake Cachuma, where we all shared intimate moments among s'mores and fire.

Momentum is on our side. After a rally in the slums of the San Fernando Valley, I flashed back to a thoughtful conversation I had at Element with Mr. Donny Fontaine. We were in a deep discussion about the crisis at the pump and wasteful energy consumption.

He's a resident of Reseda, and he likes that I’m not a panderer. We agreed that opening up the Strategic Petroleum Reserve would lower current market prices, which in turn puts pressure on OPEC to lower the cost of oil and produce more barrels a day. I engaged in the same constructive dialogue with local constituents while teaching the finer points of beer pong form.

She nailed that one. In my travels across the country I’ve talked to many people. I’ve even met with the hippies, one of whom accidentally Bashed Peacock's head on the pavement.

Because of the mishaps that can befall anyone on the road to the White House, I just added a new member to my security detail in Harry, a headstrong Basher whose voice alone has the strength of a thousand men.

His muscle will help me hustle votes. As is tradition, I’ve been kissing a lot of cute babies on the trail. Without fail, each time I think about their future. I wonder whether the standards of the classroom today can compete with the world of tomorrow. I dropped by Jill’s place to witness the benefits of giving piano lessons at an early age.

Scenes like that make it easier to draw inspiration. About three weeks ago I was invited to attend a soccer match in Los Feliz. While there, I managed to capture a lonely moment on the sideline as Skip looked on, waiting earnestly to get into the game.

When his number was called he showed spectacular poise on the field. His patience and awareness were able to translate into kicking the game winning goal. The crowd went nuts. Afterwards we celebrated the often shunned notion that perseverance and faith can overcome any perceived obstacle. He believes in himself, and we all believed in him. It's really no surprise that rabid women hungered for his flesh.

Through that, I’ve come to realize the importance of animal rights, especially since Wayne Maxwell’s dog The Colonel is the greatest animal in the world.

I’ve also made the rounds in meeting representatives from other friendly nations across the world. I recently met Karin Wahlström, a highly skilled skier and long distance runner from lovely Luleå, Sweden.

She has many magnetic facets to her personality, and her physical finesse is quite remarkable. Her father is a prominent member of the Swedish Social Democratic Party with ties to party leader Mona Ingeborg Sahlin. We discussed the drastic differences in our governmental ideologies and how some aspects of their thriving system could benefit the United States. Karin's background has helped her achieve impeccable knowledge in varied political discourse. We continued our colorful conversation at Cha Cha Lounge.

Raj Vasher made a concerted effort to chat about the recent election victory by the Alliance of Sweden. He was quickly rebuffed when bringing up the questionable virtues of surströmming sandwiches.

As he tried switching the subject to the weather, I shamelessly brought the conversation back to the great films of Lasse Hallström. It was then that I began to suspect she was smart enough to know my ulterior motives. She was spot-on if she was, for creating strong international relations will be significant during my presidency. At that point I turned my attention to two vivacious girls hanging out by the foosball tables.

I can now count on their brash activism in the coming months. Fired up from attaining qualified leads that day, I figured my invigorating streak of luck needed some proper exploitation. So of course I made a call and showed up at an undisclosed doorstep late that evening. I was unceremoniously dropped off by Raj, leaving me to my own wits and devices. I was duly prepared for a grand entry.

I highly recommend utilizing the rose in teeth method, yet the next morning I woke up to this startling image.

Floyd Sanders for President!

Fellow Americans,

I decided to use this forum to announce that I’m running for President of the United States of America. My supporters have been pushing me in this direction for a while, to which I took time to discus the prospect with my family and closest associates. I think the timing is right, and the possibilities for the future have never been brighter.

I believe I’m the most qualified candidate to overcome the nation’s toughest challenges and bring everyone underneath one tent. We need bold leadership guided by the right values and the right experience.

All of us know what those challenges are today - a war with no end, a dependence on foreign oil that threatens our future, schools where too many children aren't learning, and families struggling by living paycheck to paycheck despite working as hard as they can. We all know the challenges. We've felt them. We've talked about them for years.

Washington has turned into a land of massive bureaucracy. Deficits have exploded, entitlements are out of control; we can no longer afford the extravagance of our ever growing and intrusive government. The arbitrary power of government must be limited.

We need smart, pro-growth economic policies. We can reshape our economy to compete with the digital age. We have to respect free markets, private property and fair competition. As president I’ll raise the minimum wage, crack down on sexual offenders, cut taxes for working families and revitalize rural America. We need change and progress, now.

I’m going to push for new welfare reforms and rid the streets of crime. We have to fight poverty from the bottom up, and we have to lift those that can’t get by on their own. For many, the dream of home ownership has faded. I promise to balance the budget, because the risk of fiscal irresponsibility is devastating. And, of course, we shouldn’t be insecure about saving social security.

Education would be the centerpiece of my administration, because we’re only as good as what our future breeds. We’re lagging behind much of the world, but we shouldn’t. Schools need higher standards and the resources to succeed. Teachers need higher salaries and must be equipped to positively mold the minds of our children. Anyone who wants to attend college should be able to; it must be affordable.

I want this government to implement federalist ideals, because every problem doesn’t have a federal solution. Freedom is what makes our country great. We must restore habeas corpus because our personal liberties are being threatened. Civil liberties are guaranteed by The Constitution, and many of the cronies on Capitol Hill forget that. Every citizen’s rights must be protected equally, no matter what they believe or what they look like. We should be able to Bash in peace. Preservation of liberty was fundamental to the creation of this nation. That’s why I’m in this race, because as a freedom loving society we have the best chance to seek virtue, strive for excellence, and improve our economic well-being to achieve personal happiness.

We also have a fundamental responsibility to secure our borders against illegal immigration and enforce the laws we already have. We cannot consider ourselves a sovereign nation until the problem is fixed. With courage there can be unity, we can restore the sense of common purpose.

The next president has to stem the problem of rising health care costs, and the system needs to be overhauled. All children should have health care, because that is decent. We must become energized as Americans to find logical solutions. The endless debate and empty talk must end.

We need a revolution in communication, science and all medical fields. Every city in America should have broadband lines. We must return to being the most innovative country in the world.

We have to reduce emissions and reverse the effects of global warming. We must strive to achieve energy independence, increase efficiency standards, and we must finally kick our addiction to foreign oil. There are serious global issues, like the ignored genocide in Darfur. As for the divisive issue of abortion, you all know where I stand.

If I am your president, these are the goals I would seek.

Above all, I promise to be a man of the people because we are the people. We must demand more from our leaders. I believe the best way to solve these problems is to use common sense. The ways of Washington must change.

Special interests threaten to destroy the fabric by which this country is woven. Money and influence doesn’t run this country; we do. We have to throw away the politics of partisan bickering and overblown egos. Many of the people that run our lives are intellectually bankrupt, which undermines our inherent values and moral principles.

We were built on the ideals of fairness, and with your vote I promise to restore that. What we do together matters, and together we can accomplish extraordinary things.

This will be quite a journey, a perilous one of change, one that will make us great again. I look forward to continuing our conversation in the weeks and months to come.

There is hope for America.

Thank you and may God bless all of us.

-Floyd Sanders, American