Monday, February 25, 2008

Tramp Stamp

When there’s initially strong electricity you wonder if you’re dealing with a freak, the kind that forces you to seriously consider entering the witness protection program. I’d never met anyone quite like Harper O’Hara. Like the winning method tested on Katherine Wentworth and Rebecca, giving out a courteous complement carries weight. Nice shoes or hairstyle, or even if the length of their skirt is tastefully done. Among other things, Harper is another female that loves my prized blue Bamboo Mau Kangol cap.Her saucy nature was unquestionable and refreshing, and the Captain Morgan delivered didn’t undermine our progress. I began having fleeting thoughts of making a smooth assault, one without any remorse, precondition or worse. I ended up getting beaten to the punch.I was flattered and needed to act upon it. To efficiently expedite the process past the rolls of red tape, it was mandatory to perform preliminary qualification exercises. I had Cliff oversee the obligatory Bash examinations, to ensure she could truly be a possible candidate for First Lady.

This was all happening, of course, under zero detection from her end. To protect the vetting process, Cliff was the control. To my jovial surprise, Harper mastered existential balance and began racking up bonus points for extra credit.

Her graceful confidence was consummate, a feat greatly foreshadowed when she was viciously slaying every man’s ego on the Del’s Saloon pool table. Her mental and physical poise quickly went from understated to splashy.

With her alluring talents comparable to a ruthless conqueror, one floor trick was spoiled by Cliff’s naïve concentration in spectacular fashion.

Moments later, after minor injuries and insecurities were brushed away, there was a triumphant attempt. Ronda would’ve loved scrutinizing the exhibition of these advanced techniques.

Without a doubt, the most bewildering files are of photos taken while blackout drunk.

Elder Chen once said, “To marry a girl, you have to know it’ll last at least two years.”

The pictures obviously became more lurid and risqué, echoing that shady wintry night near Keith’s BBQ pit. Memories captured in digital form never lie.

Nothing could be closer to the truth, and this truth was curiously jaded by mystifying riddles wrapped in timeless questions. Harper’s high score has led to significant movement on the board.

Being an advocate for full disclosure is something all presidential candidates should champion, so I challenge all my worthy opponents to do the same. We, as a people, must leave behind the slash and burn politics of the past; we must regain our optimistic vision of hope. With your help, the politics of personal destruction can finally come to an end. Lovely Harper agrees.

If Harper becomes First Lady, she’ll have been the best of the nominees.

Monday, February 18, 2008


A True Basher doesn’t find ideal females while sitting at home.

To profoundly achieve a sort of metaphysical balance, one must venture out into the cold in order to find necessary human warmth and tenderness.It has been days without that, a fact which doesn’t merit ridicule, but one that produces the often baffling intensity of yearning. I try to avoid that at all costs, the cost being too high and way too dangerous. Shelley acknowledges the logical quandary.

Whenever I’m this contemplative and in dire need of a quick pick-me-up, Peacock is never too far away to calm jittery nerves.

Don't know how she does it, but she does, and a little Champagne never hurts causes. I enjoy the fact she isn’t shy in front of the camera, looking for every opportunity to provide a quality mug.

These times of detached introspection also call for poker night with Roxie, who always holds her cards close to vest.

We’ve often tested the nightlife with an atmosphere of adventure persisting at a feverish pace, bent on using our cognitive energies wisely for the good of mankind. I can also find unbridled solace in the Incredible Smoking Indian Chief, who imposingly posts up outside of Gilbert's, my favorite Mexican restaurant.

The menudo is outstanding, but when I'm really despondent, nervous, or otherwise mentally fatigued, I take a trip to The Counter, a place where you’re able to conveniently create a gourmet burger for the right price. With numerous ingredients to choose from, all bets are off. I just concocted this masterpiece…

It's a much better option than watching "The Notebook" alone with a tub of ice cream, thinking of what could've been, what might be, what will never be. Sadly, a yummy meal doesn’t always curb an empty feeling inside. I wasn’t well put together, so upon arriving back at headquarters I went across the street to Del’s Saloon, mostly to take the edge off with some Maker’s Mark and branch. Around round two I began chatting up this girl from Dallas named Katherine Wentworth.

I’d had my fourth glass by the time I got around to asking her name. She agreed with my theories on the need for romantic closeness and the extremes some will take to achieve optimal sensations. I told her she was smart, and she really liked that. The same conversation at Mo's Place led to a sexy camera serenade, which quickly worked in melting Rebecca's heart.

Being able to make a flower out of a typical bar napkin is a stunner to the emotionally intoxicated. Later that night, Chantel and Bernadette Bender assisted me in lifting the spirits of the minions, demonstrating once again that having fun is catchy and influences the masses.

They've been invaluable partners-in-crime on too many occasions to count, our friendships forged with the finest steel for maximum durability and performance. The many disarming charms of Jenna Wade have been doing the same lately.

Discovering fresh finesse brings about glory and a heavenly sort of euphoria, all of which is definitely bewitching. I've sincerely come to the realization that having a desirable muse not only inspires brilliance, it also provides much needed subconscious stability. When Crystal plays the piano a smile never leaves my face.She elevates my mind, the worries of the world flatly brushed aside with my aural senses going wild. In the midst of all this risky brooding, two additional partners-in-crime have been recently added to the Gallery of Horrors. Suspect #1 is Bobby, aire to the Farlow fortune, a former master gunnery sergeant and gentleman beyond reproach.Years abroad have served him well on the dance floor. Suspect #2 is Cliff. Ribald at best, courteous at worst, he's proven to be a pillar of the community aside from being a diabolical collaborator.His exploits in recent weeks are savagely marked by fearless determination and selfish selflessness. His traits are envied by many. On the flipside, I haven't managed to pin down the elusive Raj Vasher.I was told by an anonymous source that Raj got wind of some rumor, chased off like a hound after the hare. In the interim, I brought Amaury Guerrero and Holly Paige aboard as senior advisers due to their Bashing expertise and superior wisdom.
The lessons learned from love aren't usually immediate. Time and proper analysis cut beneath the surface level sentiments and reveal the reasoning behind all failures and successes. Yearning searches for an end to satisfy a void, one that's felt mentally as well as physically, like the butterflies in the gut wanting to escape. Like I once told Ronda, "You know I always get what I want." I'm going to need a suitable First Lady.

Monday, February 4, 2008

Floyd Sanders for President!

Fellow Americans,

I decided to use this forum to announce that I’m running for President of the United States of America. My supporters have been pushing me in this direction for a while, to which I took time to discus the prospect with my family and closest associates. I think the timing is right, and the possibilities for the future have never been brighter.

I believe I’m the most qualified candidate to overcome the nation’s toughest challenges and bring everyone underneath one tent. We need bold leadership guided by the right values and the right experience.

All of us know what those challenges are today - a war with no end, a dependence on foreign oil that threatens our future, schools where too many children aren't learning, and families struggling by living paycheck to paycheck despite working as hard as they can. We all know the challenges. We've felt them. We've talked about them for years.

Washington has turned into a land of massive bureaucracy. Deficits have exploded, entitlements are out of control; we can no longer afford the extravagance of our ever growing and intrusive government. The arbitrary power of government must be limited.

We need smart, pro-growth economic policies. We can reshape our economy to compete with the digital age. We have to respect free markets, private property and fair competition. As president I’ll raise the minimum wage, crack down on sexual offenders, cut taxes for working families and revitalize rural America. We need change and progress, now.

I’m going to push for new welfare reforms and rid the streets of crime. We have to fight poverty from the bottom up, and we have to lift those that can’t get by on their own. For many, the dream of home ownership has faded. I promise to balance the budget, because the risk of fiscal irresponsibility is devastating. And, of course, we shouldn’t be insecure about saving social security.

Education would be the centerpiece of my administration, because we’re only as good as what our future breeds. We’re lagging behind much of the world, but we shouldn’t. Schools need higher standards and the resources to succeed. Teachers need higher salaries and must be equipped to positively mold the minds of our children. Anyone who wants to attend college should be able to; it must be affordable.

I want this government to implement federalist ideals, because every problem doesn’t have a federal solution. Freedom is what makes our country great. We must restore habeas corpus because our personal liberties are being threatened. Civil liberties are guaranteed by The Constitution, and many of the cronies on Capitol Hill forget that. Every citizen’s rights must be protected equally, no matter what they believe or what they look like. We should be able to Bash in peace. Preservation of liberty was fundamental to the creation of this nation. That’s why I’m in this race, because as a freedom loving society we have the best chance to seek virtue, strive for excellence, and improve our economic well-being to achieve personal happiness.

We also have a fundamental responsibility to secure our borders against illegal immigration and enforce the laws we already have. We cannot consider ourselves a sovereign nation until the problem is fixed. With courage there can be unity, we can restore the sense of common purpose.

The next president has to stem the problem of rising health care costs, and the system needs to be overhauled. All children should have health care, because that is decent. We must become energized as Americans to find logical solutions. The endless debate and empty talk must end.

We need a revolution in communication, science and all medical fields. Every city in America should have broadband lines. We must return to being the most innovative country in the world.

We have to reduce emissions and reverse the effects of global warming. We must strive to achieve energy independence, increase efficiency standards, and we must finally kick our addiction to foreign oil. There are serious global issues, like the ignored genocide in Darfur. As for the divisive issue of abortion, you all know where I stand.

If I am your president, these are the goals I would seek.

Above all, I promise to be a man of the people because we are the people. We must demand more from our leaders. I believe the best way to solve these problems is to use common sense. The ways of Washington must change.

Special interests threaten to destroy the fabric by which this country is woven. Money and influence doesn’t run this country; we do. We have to throw away the politics of partisan bickering and overblown egos. Many of the people that run our lives are intellectually bankrupt, which undermines our inherent values and moral principles.

We were built on the ideals of fairness, and with your vote I promise to restore that. What we do together matters, and together we can accomplish extraordinary things.

This will be quite a journey, a perilous one of change, one that will make us great again. I look forward to continuing our conversation in the weeks and months to come.

There is hope for America.

Thank you and may God bless all of us.

-Floyd Sanders, American