Holy Matrimony

Rita agreed to Tony’s advances, so to the alter they went to seal the deal and finalize all outstanding contracts. I was invited to their wedding to witness a marriage, on the condition, of course, that I maintained good behavior and relented from Detonator style mischief. Nothing prepared me for what I experienced.

A bride this stunning makes men weep.

The location was incomparable, so after much serious contemplation, I was the one yelling “Fore” on random back swings from the bushes.

A major highlight was my ticket to the pre-game festivities, where champagne and females were abundant. I got there extra early for obvious reasons.

When it comes to make-up application, nobody does it better than Holly Valentine. She went to work on everyone, including Rita’s sister Roxie.

I had never before witnessed the preparation involved behind the scenes. Envy in the eyes of other males was surely apparent, especially when empty bottles of Veuve Clicquot led to multiple walks through the field to retrieve another three bottles. Everyone was taking care of each other.

The best part was the encircling, everyone wanting to get a piece of last second make-up primping for the bride, a tradition well respected among most female clans. The final touches reached a frenzy many will reminisce about for years. Everyone was going to look their best.

The ceremony was planned to perfection, no detail overlooked. It also helps to have endless champagne and Chivas to loosen up the bride and Maid of Honor.

I've read that marriage is done for the purpose procreation and requires consummation. There are other obligations to consider, like in some wacky cultures women are required to bear many children. Roxie simply believes in the power of love.

The sheer energy and introspective words of the preacher brought shivers down my spine. The look in Rita’s eyes gazing into that of her love boldly moved the spectators.

That soon led to the rampage of congratulations for the bride, here seen with her business partner Alice.

Bernadette Bender was there too, willing to cause stirs with her unrequited desire to Bash.

It had been forever since I challenged her wits, one of the many things I treasure from such a close friend.

One of my favorite bartenders Danny was there, which was no surprise to anyone with half a pulse.

He later fell into some type of drunken wormhole of self-realization. He claimed that the only way to terminate a marriage is by death.

Roxie gave a very well-received speech during the beautiful reception, certainly one of the many high points.

No matter what type of wedding traditions a family may follow, you have to love the dances with the father.

I was stoked to see Uncle Bob there, who Bashed me into submission with perfectly targeted insults, the kind that are the truth.

He pointed out that the age of consent in Spain is 13, 14 in a bunch of other European countries. As we had an in depth discussion on the many virtues of marriage, the beats from DJ Preston Moronie brought out Holly Valentine and her microphone. The Bash needed some Hyper Crush.

Virtually on cue, they began doing a daring mash up of the Hyper Crush catalog, moving the crowd from verse to verse with purpose. To do it up right, I hit the dance floor to liven things, a typical reaction since I know how to shake it with the crew.

The absurd amount of stiff pours from behind the bar only made the situation more manic. Roxie and Holly made sure to elevate the excitement of the proceedings.

No matter where I went, from front to back, I was viciously attacked by females fueled by thoughts that maybe, just maybe one day, they'll have their day.

Before leaving, I made sure to have a permanent impact by passing along five volumes of “The Art of Bashing” to a promising young college student, one with potential to dominate.

Spreading subversive propaganda around suffices when a positive mood accommodates my passion for the greater good. I gladly pulled ripcord before things could get too out of hand. The fortune showered forth was enough inspiration to attack Del’s Saloon. I was immediately greeted with a handshake from the peerless Amaury Guerrero.

One female was particularly perturbed by our brash behavior, which surely bordered on amazing. Some hussies are easily scared and get inexplicably caught in the headlights. This one was caught off guard, but then became very friendly.

When they figure out the method and understand the threat, calmness closes them and happiness shines supreme. She also suggested that all marriages include a dowry. Her annoying friend was not impressed. Neither was I.

Amaury immediately led her away with the heavy lure of darts. That also led to Amaury belting out an unsolicited karaoke duet with an extra amorous female who had a head full of impromptu drunkenness.

All in all, I survived Rita's wedding and Del’s, so I guess my political career remains intact. It was around this time I realized people were getting rather stupid from the excessive liquid abuse. Very few knew I recklessly stole the bouquet, figuring it would shower me with unprecedented luck.

Best Friends Part 2: Peacock and Roxie

Roxie and Peacock perfectly demonstrate that there isn't a more beautiful thing than seeing true friendship right before your eyes.

Peacock and Roxie have been through the tribulations of life together with the spectacle of high drama, laughter, and many unfortunate spectators like myself. I told them once before that best friends, on their level, are a rarity far from extinct.

As Bobby and Cliff would agree, best friends are never ashamed to mug shamelessly for satisfaction.

Among the travails of daily meanderings, a best friend's shoulder can always be leaned on. You share a bond so close that bliss knows no bounds. Just by knowing them you’re never the same.

You can tell a terrible joke, and for some mysterious reason they’ll go ahead and giggle, in essence, helping you out with fragile self-esteem issues. Becoming a best friend takes time, fostered from occasions deserving of deepest trust, like Bashing gloriously because it's Tuesday.

The minds of best friends are connected by infallible hearts. Mere communication through body language often says more than words could’ve conveyed. You don’t even have to have a conversation to know what each other are thinking.

You can give a heartfelt monologue just by looking into their eyes. The fun never ends. It’s great to conspire in making calls or leaving perverse voice mails for unsuspecting male recipients. They get broadsided; the targets never realize what just punched them in the jaw.

Roxie and Peacock accept each other for what they are, believing that they can be better humans by sticking together. What feels better than hugging your best friend? The hugs are close and you mean it when you smile.

Moments and experiences like that are a tough bargain when sadly considering the countless population of ignorant animals surrounding us. The Detonator says nothing good happens at 3:44 in the morning, like that phone call from your best friend that's either answered or ignored with a smirk. Most of the time you’re together on the road at 3:44 in the morning.

I’ve heard that friendship is heavily attached to the theory of soul mates, because any lack of perfection still keeps them perfect for you. The Hat says it’s hereditary, I say it’s magic.

Above all else, in the grand scheme of things, a best friend keeps you sane in the insane world.

Best Friends Part 1: Bobby and Cliff

Of all Del's Saloon patrons, nobody represents the category of best friends better than Bobby and Cliff. Cliff always knows when I’m causing serious mischief and has no problem showing it.

Whenever Master Cliff and Bobby Farlow attack Del’s Saloon right, throwing back cocktails proper, Lucca gets an added edge of excitement, and she never judges the finest of The Circle without judicious scrutiny.There’s always so much unconditional love floating around when we’re all at Del’s Saloon.Bobby, for example, has a penchant for using his middle finger as an intricate form of communication.

Since best friends usually share the same qualities, Cliff speaks the same language.

And Bobby will give it back. Best friends can touch your warm heart by a simple glance, even with a willing participant like Lucca in the middle. As expected, when he isn’t hanging out with his best friend Cliff, Bobby finds time to bond with great people like Kristin.

With Cliff, he used to tend to be guided into the arms of lovely Jenna Wade, a Beverly Hills magnate with governmental ties to Panama. They haven't seen each other lately at all.

Bobby and Cliff aren’t afraid to take the party train to Del’s for breakfast either, and they never arrive empty handed. Best friends are constantly capable of doing that, and like with Bobby, Cliff has never failed me with wit and concentration. You can’t pick your family, but you can certainly pick your friends, and Tatum is an excellent choice with the sass factor.

It’s great to have best friends, but it’s even greater to be one, a sort of achievement Sebastian Santiago has achieved effortlessly on the fringes of amazing.

Calling someone a best friend carries weight. Being able to trust someone that deeply means you can spill your guts out without worrying of presumptions, a motif thought about and dissected by Cliff in adverse situations of grandeur.A best friend will tell you what you certainly wouldn’t tell yourself. Bobby and Cliff share an unbiased perspective on such matters, like females and finances, a trait invaluable and treasured when used to build each other up. Coming above in major categories is natural and executed telepathically.

You can always be you, and dubious demeanor never takes unexpected shifts in true friendship. For example, Bobby gets called out with regularity for casual hostilities.

When you have best friends like Bobby and Cliff, you feel secure enough to pour your heart out on any pressing matter, or you can embark on outrageous adventures of infamy, like the many I've shared with the legend of Cliff and his muse Lacey.

It's sad, but when your glorious best friend isn’t around you greatly miss them, a void instantly becomes apparent. At their strongest you’re able to laugh heartily and cry, or you Bash righteously!

I could’ve never seen what was important otherwise. Because of them, I found the absolute greatness of my First Lady.

Vote Floyd Sanders for President of the United States of America! Down with the status quo, Floyd '08!

Stalkers!

Some might argue that a woman can be impressive enough to drive a man psycho. Regardless, it takes precious time to stalk someone.

Stalkers tiptoe around in the shadows, and like perverted peeping toms, they can sometimes be found hanging from trees armed with binoculars and bad intention.

Stalkers who get caught in the act will cover-up the deranged reason they decided to fall off the subconscious deep-end. When you identify and confront a stalker with facts, positively noting that they are a stalker, this commonly leads to pathological lying. In my unprofessional opinion, stalkers are certifiably insane. The eyes of a crazy person look like this:

The pursuit of a victim can stem from a variety of psychological factors, such as anger, projection of blame, obsession, dependency, denial, and worst of all, jealousy. The stalkee can be put through quite a bit of trauma from the hurtful experience provided by an unbalanced stalker. Worse, they can appear from out of nowhere, jumping onto your back when least expected.

Stalkers want something they cannot have, taking on their pursuit like a hungry wolf hunting prey. Sadly, they are known to take human form.

Precautions can be taken, like having a guard dog in your humble abode to keep intruders from entering and going through your things when away. Dogs scare evil stalkers.

The paparazzi, also known to some as “stalkerazzi,” trail celebrities and are able to invade privacy within the rules of the law. Sometimes the result is the stalkee going bananas, lashing out viciously.

One can’t blame the frustration that comes with being stalked, especially when they just won’t get a hint and go away. According to famed mental health specialist P.E. Mullen, there are five types of these psychological terrorists. The first, the Rejected Stalker, tries to correct or reverse rejection, and they are usually filled with sadness and jealousy. They cling to the belief that their failed relationship can be rekindled. This type of stalker believes that the victim needs to be rescued or punished for flaws in judgment.

The Resentful Stalker tries to scare their victims as a form of revenge and is irrationally paranoid through bitterness. An Incompetent Suitor is a socially inept idiot with a crazed fixation who feels entitled to their victim, one who is often already involved in a relationship with a sane person. The universally feared Predatory Stalker spies in order to prepare and plan an attack on the victim. They are the least common but the creepiest of the bunch.

The hardest ones to shake are the Intimacy Seekers. All they want is a loving relationship with the victim/soul mate, believing they are "meant to be together." They have a desire to help the target, misguided in their belief that the victim loves them too. Negative responses by the victim are perceived as encouragement. Delusional Intimacy Seekers are statistically the most persistent type of stalker. In the grand scheme of stalking, Lucca says her batty stalkers are stealthy and try hard to keep their annoying actions quiet.

Stalkers cannot be trusted and restraining orders should be seriously considered in any case, be it extreme or otherwise.

Sadly, schizophrenics don’t understand the law. Too bad weird freaks often ignore restraining orders, instead looking at them as a challenge in the way of their ultimate goal. Amaury Guerrero was once shocked by the “coincidental” appearance of Lisa Brenner at Q’s.

To add suspicion, she was rolling alone, so he immediately filed a restraining order. The effects of stalking vary, but it’s most certainly a disruptive mental assault, one that causes destruction of trust and emotional insecurity. Severe forms of anxiety are exposed, as well as anger and even embarrassment. Aside from crippling hypervigilance (abnormally increased arousal that scans the environment for threats), good physical health can be deterred through lack of sleep by constantly imagining a perpetrator trying to look through your window.

The stalker will usually wear nondescript clothing and will drive a car other than his own to avoid detection. Perceived anonymity is the stalkers best friend, and the majority of them are male.

Thankfully, I haven’t had any male stalkers, but I’ve recently discovered the travails of having a few female stalkers. I think everyone agrees that stalkers can be classified as pitiful losers. One misconception is that female stalkers aren’t as dangerous as male stalkers. It’s a complete myth, and the psychiatric status doesn’t differ. Thing is, women often target other women. It’s like the female astronaut, Lisa Marie Nowak, who fearlessly stalked cross-country while wearing diapers.

That crazy broad tried to kidnap the girlfriend of an astronaut she was once romantically involved with. She obviously suffers from a personality disorder. Most stalkers have a history of criminal activity and substance abuse, although some utilize stalking as a gateway to greater crimes, many of which are documented on the great Oxygen TV show “Snapped.”

Stalkers are a low form of human being, putting their own interests ahead of anybody else, especially the person being victimized. I once dated a girl who threatened to commit suicide in order to cause an intervention on my part, to force me to have contact with her, give her comfort. She succeeded, and I broke my long-standing silence to tell her, “Go ahead, do it, my life will be easier.”

By never following through with her game, she reinforced her psychosis. Because of a recent stalking problem, I was clearly prompted to change my cell phone number, and thus far, have remained happily stalker free. You can find yourself in danger if they know where you live, so it’s best to keep potential threats at more than arms distance. Problem is, you can know someone for years and never realize they have stalking in their blood. You can’t always confirm the traces of crazy in their eyes.

In conclusion, all stalkers are bonkers, and when it comes down to it, Floyd Sanders will always be bulletproof!