Holy Matrimony

Rita agreed to Tony’s advances, so to the alter they went to seal the deal and finalize all outstanding contracts. I was invited to their wedding to witness a marriage, on the condition, of course, that I maintained good behavior and relented from Detonator style mischief. Nothing prepared me for what I experienced.

A bride this stunning makes men weep.

The location was incomparable, so after much serious contemplation, I was the one yelling “Fore” on random back swings from the bushes.

A major highlight was my ticket to the pre-game festivities, where champagne and females were abundant. I got there extra early for obvious reasons.

When it comes to make-up application, nobody does it better than Holly Valentine. She went to work on everyone, including Rita’s sister Roxie.

I had never before witnessed the preparation involved behind the scenes. Envy in the eyes of other males was surely apparent, especially when empty bottles of Veuve Clicquot led to multiple walks through the field to retrieve another three bottles. Everyone was taking care of each other.

The best part was the encircling, everyone wanting to get a piece of last second make-up primping for the bride, a tradition well respected among most female clans. The final touches reached a frenzy many will reminisce about for years. Everyone was going to look their best.

The ceremony was planned to perfection, no detail overlooked. It also helps to have endless champagne and Chivas to loosen up the bride and Maid of Honor.

I've read that marriage is done for the purpose procreation and requires consummation. There are other obligations to consider, like in some wacky cultures women are required to bear many children. Roxie simply believes in the power of love.

The sheer energy and introspective words of the preacher brought shivers down my spine. The look in Rita’s eyes gazing into that of her love boldly moved the spectators.

That soon led to the rampage of congratulations for the bride, here seen with her business partner Alice.

Bernadette Bender was there too, willing to cause stirs with her unrequited desire to Bash.

It had been forever since I challenged her wits, one of the many things I treasure from such a close friend.

One of my favorite bartenders Danny was there, which was no surprise to anyone with half a pulse.

He later fell into some type of drunken wormhole of self-realization. He claimed that the only way to terminate a marriage is by death.

Roxie gave a very well-received speech during the beautiful reception, certainly one of the many high points.

No matter what type of wedding traditions a family may follow, you have to love the dances with the father.

I was stoked to see Uncle Bob there, who Bashed me into submission with perfectly targeted insults, the kind that are the truth.

He pointed out that the age of consent in Spain is 13, 14 in a bunch of other European countries. As we had an in depth discussion on the many virtues of marriage, the beats from DJ Preston Moronie brought out Holly Valentine and her microphone. The Bash needed some Hyper Crush.

Virtually on cue, they began doing a daring mash up of the Hyper Crush catalog, moving the crowd from verse to verse with purpose. To do it up right, I hit the dance floor to liven things, a typical reaction since I know how to shake it with the crew.

The absurd amount of stiff pours from behind the bar only made the situation more manic. Roxie and Holly made sure to elevate the excitement of the proceedings.

No matter where I went, from front to back, I was viciously attacked by females fueled by thoughts that maybe, just maybe one day, they'll have their day.

Before leaving, I made sure to have a permanent impact by passing along five volumes of “The Art of Bashing” to a promising young college student, one with potential to dominate.

Spreading subversive propaganda around suffices when a positive mood accommodates my passion for the greater good. I gladly pulled ripcord before things could get too out of hand. The fortune showered forth was enough inspiration to attack Del’s Saloon. I was immediately greeted with a handshake from the peerless Amaury Guerrero.

One female was particularly perturbed by our brash behavior, which surely bordered on amazing. Some hussies are easily scared and get inexplicably caught in the headlights. This one was caught off guard, but then became very friendly.

When they figure out the method and understand the threat, calmness closes them and happiness shines supreme. She also suggested that all marriages include a dowry. Her annoying friend was not impressed. Neither was I.

Amaury immediately led her away with the heavy lure of darts. That also led to Amaury belting out an unsolicited karaoke duet with an extra amorous female who had a head full of impromptu drunkenness.

All in all, I survived Rita's wedding and Del’s, so I guess my political career remains intact. It was around this time I realized people were getting rather stupid from the excessive liquid abuse. Very few knew I recklessly stole the bouquet, figuring it would shower me with unprecedented luck.

Best Friends Part 2: Peacock and Roxie

Roxie and Peacock perfectly demonstrate that there isn't a more beautiful thing than seeing true friendship right before your eyes.

Peacock and Roxie have been through the tribulations of life together with the spectacle of high drama, laughter, and many unfortunate spectators like myself. I told them once before that best friends, on their level, are a rarity far from extinct.

As Bobby and Cliff would agree, best friends are never ashamed to mug shamelessly for satisfaction.

Among the travails of daily meanderings, a best friend's shoulder can always be leaned on. You share a bond so close that bliss knows no bounds. Just by knowing them you’re never the same.

You can tell a terrible joke, and for some mysterious reason they’ll go ahead and giggle, in essence, helping you out with fragile self-esteem issues. Becoming a best friend takes time, fostered from occasions deserving of deepest trust, like Bashing gloriously because it's Tuesday.

The minds of best friends are connected by infallible hearts. Mere communication through body language often says more than words could’ve conveyed. You don’t even have to have a conversation to know what each other are thinking.

You can give a heartfelt monologue just by looking into their eyes. The fun never ends. It’s great to conspire in making calls or leaving perverse voice mails for unsuspecting male recipients. They get broadsided; the targets never realize what just punched them in the jaw.

Roxie and Peacock accept each other for what they are, believing that they can be better humans by sticking together. What feels better than hugging your best friend? The hugs are close and you mean it when you smile.

Moments and experiences like that are a tough bargain when sadly considering the countless population of ignorant animals surrounding us. The Detonator says nothing good happens at 3:44 in the morning, like that phone call from your best friend that's either answered or ignored with a smirk. Most of the time you’re together on the road at 3:44 in the morning.

I’ve heard that friendship is heavily attached to the theory of soul mates, because any lack of perfection still keeps them perfect for you. The Hat says it’s hereditary, I say it’s magic.

Above all else, in the grand scheme of things, a best friend keeps you sane in the insane world.

Best Friends Part 1: Bobby and Cliff

Of all Del's Saloon patrons, nobody represents the category of best friends better than Bobby and Cliff. Cliff always knows when I’m causing serious mischief and has no problem showing it.

Whenever Master Cliff and Bobby Farlow attack Del’s Saloon right, throwing back cocktails proper, Lucca gets an added edge of excitement, and she never judges the finest of The Circle without judicious scrutiny.There’s always so much unconditional love floating around when we’re all at Del’s Saloon.Bobby, for example, has a penchant for using his middle finger as an intricate form of communication.

Since best friends usually share the same qualities, Cliff speaks the same language.

And Bobby will give it back. Best friends can touch your warm heart by a simple glance, even with a willing participant like Lucca in the middle. As expected, when he isn’t hanging out with his best friend Cliff, Bobby finds time to bond with great people like Kristin.

With Cliff, he used to tend to be guided into the arms of lovely Jenna Wade, a Beverly Hills magnate with governmental ties to Panama. They haven't seen each other lately at all.

Bobby and Cliff aren’t afraid to take the party train to Del’s for breakfast either, and they never arrive empty handed. Best friends are constantly capable of doing that, and like with Bobby, Cliff has never failed me with wit and concentration. You can’t pick your family, but you can certainly pick your friends, and Tatum is an excellent choice with the sass factor.

It’s great to have best friends, but it’s even greater to be one, a sort of achievement Sebastian Santiago has achieved effortlessly on the fringes of amazing.

Calling someone a best friend carries weight. Being able to trust someone that deeply means you can spill your guts out without worrying of presumptions, a motif thought about and dissected by Cliff in adverse situations of grandeur.A best friend will tell you what you certainly wouldn’t tell yourself. Bobby and Cliff share an unbiased perspective on such matters, like females and finances, a trait invaluable and treasured when used to build each other up. Coming above in major categories is natural and executed telepathically.

You can always be you, and dubious demeanor never takes unexpected shifts in true friendship. For example, Bobby gets called out with regularity for casual hostilities.

When you have best friends like Bobby and Cliff, you feel secure enough to pour your heart out on any pressing matter, or you can embark on outrageous adventures of infamy, like the many I've shared with the legend of Cliff and his muse Lacey.

It's sad, but when your glorious best friend isn’t around you greatly miss them, a void instantly becomes apparent. At their strongest you’re able to laugh heartily and cry, or you Bash righteously!

I could’ve never seen what was important otherwise. Because of them, I found the absolute greatness of my First Lady.

Vote Floyd Sanders for President of the United States of America! Down with the status quo, Floyd '08!