The Hat Strikes Back!

Small brained animals are generally dumber, but their instincts will surprise you. The Hat combats all of that and more with gusto!

The first annual B-Day Hat Bowl at El Dorado Lanes provided a quality showing of people, one slightly marred by the slowest bartender west of Texas. A great tasting cake made all the animosity go away.

While some Los Angeles personalities thrive on the pessimism of self-loathing, The Hat manages feats others would shudder to ponder. His list of accolades ransacked and looted represent what's right with humanity. For instance, the recent pillage on my birthday at Del's is still a mystery shrouded by rumor and hearsay.

I kind of remember him and Peacock buying me shots of something gross. Those birthday pictures showed, with glaring clarity, that when The Hat slays prey they don’t even suspect they’re getting slayed. Devon Ahmad and her sister Sharada are scholars who've analyzed The Hat's technique and managed to uncover identifiable patterns that tame the beast. Those girls are wily and cunning, as seen by their lewd display upon sabotaging my quest for bowling supremacy.

I was clearly outgunned and outbowled. The big winner of the night was Ridge Thorneway, who bowled an unbelievable 216.

Devon’s more known for her soft poker hands, much like her sharp dart throwing skills, or the slow float of her puck on shuffleboard wax. Devon stole two huge bets from me at The Hat’s poker night, effectively getting in my head.

I recommend folding when she pushes all-in. I’m glad she left for Burlingame before my shirt was removed. Overall, I managed to gain a decent cash reward while The Hat hit the jackpot. Later on, when I was feeling lucky, I threw my lighter in as part of a bet, and everyone at the table agreed it was legitimate. The key is to never throw in the nice watch, which I’ve only seen in funny movies. One thing was for certain, The Hat chose a night to shine.

His extraordinary successes overshadow my own, dwarfing almost all bar boasts by the pompous rookies. It’s probably marked by a life of athletic achievement in many sports, including many victorious co-ed tours.

He rarely sleeps alone, and his vitality is guided by sun, moon and stars. You can’t help but factor in the result oriented approach on the fly, like when he showcased adept skill at opening and operating a powerful telescope. His grasp and command of surroundings is resoundingly flawless.

On people that consistently fail, The Hat once said, “It’s like having to change your hitting style because the mechanics needed adjusting. Optimal optimism is never pessimistic.”