Voodoo Pharmacology

Once again, in the interest of full disclosure, before my smug and arrogant opponents claim credit for introducing a scandal where there is none, my presidential campaign committee has agreed to release the only photo of me smoking crack.

My critics no longer have an October surprise; they can go no further with their misguided slander and aimless swings at assassinating my character. Regardless of their banally motivated intentions, I’ve already taken the measurements of the Oval Office, so I plan on going with gold trim red velvet curtains.

Last week I walked the streets of Santa Monica with my personal hair stylist Roxie, and we went around asking concerned citizens about the important issues effecting their every day lives. There are many prevalent issues gaining attention nationally, and I think we all agree that reducing gang violence across the country is fundamental in achieving solidarity.

Roxie and I also traversed the rural areas of America, and the excitement this campaign has captured is simply unmistakable. I was especially encouraged by our recent camp out in Lake Cachuma, where we all shared intimate moments among s'mores and fire.

Momentum is on our side. After a rally in the slums of the San Fernando Valley, I flashed back to a thoughtful conversation I had at Element with Mr. Donny Fontaine. We were in a deep discussion about the crisis at the pump and wasteful energy consumption.

He's a resident of Reseda, and he likes that I’m not a panderer. We agreed that opening up the Strategic Petroleum Reserve would lower current market prices, which in turn puts pressure on OPEC to lower the cost of oil and produce more barrels a day. I engaged in the same constructive dialogue with local constituents while teaching the finer points of beer pong form.

She nailed that one. In my travels across the country I’ve talked to many people. I’ve even met with the hippies, one of whom accidentally Bashed Peacock's head on the pavement.

Because of the mishaps that can befall anyone on the road to the White House, I just added a new member to my security detail in Harry, a headstrong Basher whose voice alone has the strength of a thousand men.

His muscle will help me hustle votes. As is tradition, I’ve been kissing a lot of cute babies on the trail. Without fail, each time I think about their future. I wonder whether the standards of the classroom today can compete with the world of tomorrow. I dropped by Jill’s place to witness the benefits of giving piano lessons at an early age.

Scenes like that make it easier to draw inspiration. About three weeks ago I was invited to attend a soccer match in Los Feliz. While there, I managed to capture a lonely moment on the sideline as Skip looked on, waiting earnestly to get into the game.

When his number was called he showed spectacular poise on the field. His patience and awareness were able to translate into kicking the game winning goal. The crowd went nuts. Afterwards we celebrated the often shunned notion that perseverance and faith can overcome any perceived obstacle. He believes in himself, and we all believed in him. It's really no surprise that rabid women hungered for his flesh.

Through that, I’ve come to realize the importance of animal rights, especially since Wayne Maxwell’s dog The Colonel is the greatest animal in the world.

I’ve also made the rounds in meeting representatives from other friendly nations across the world. I recently met Karin Wahlström, a highly skilled skier and long distance runner from lovely Luleå, Sweden.

She has many magnetic facets to her personality, and her physical finesse is quite remarkable. Her father is a prominent member of the Swedish Social Democratic Party with ties to party leader Mona Ingeborg Sahlin. We discussed the drastic differences in our governmental ideologies and how some aspects of their thriving system could benefit the United States. Karin's background has helped her achieve impeccable knowledge in varied political discourse. We continued our colorful conversation at Cha Cha Lounge.

Raj Vasher made a concerted effort to chat about the recent election victory by the Alliance of Sweden. He was quickly rebuffed when bringing up the questionable virtues of surströmming sandwiches.

As he tried switching the subject to the weather, I shamelessly brought the conversation back to the great films of Lasse Hallström. It was then that I began to suspect she was smart enough to know my ulterior motives. She was spot-on if she was, for creating strong international relations will be significant during my presidency. At that point I turned my attention to two vivacious girls hanging out by the foosball tables.

I can now count on their brash activism in the coming months. Fired up from attaining qualified leads that day, I figured my invigorating streak of luck needed some proper exploitation. So of course I made a call and showed up at an undisclosed doorstep late that evening. I was unceremoniously dropped off by Raj, leaving me to my own wits and devices. I was duly prepared for a grand entry.

I highly recommend utilizing the rose in teeth method, yet the next morning I woke up to this startling image.